REAL PEOPLE, REAL STORIES, SAVING REAL LIVES

We lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom home until my parents divorced when I was 11. When I was 10, I remember writing on one of my Christmas list, "you and momma to get a divorce" ... my parents fought constantly.

Each week I watched my mother ask the same gas station owner if she could pay them $2 the next time she got paid for the gas she needed "now" to get us to school.

I was teased in school literally from 1st to 12th. Called every nasty name you can imagine. I absolutely hated my time at Wellborn. Hated it.

In 8th grade I decided I wanted to be a majorette so on Friday nights I twirled then was up by 5am on Saturday to be the opening cashier at Winn Dixie by 6am.

I grew up thinking if we had Taco Bell for dinner, that was a special treat.

When my first date at 16 Yeats old asked "Where would you like to go to dinner?" I said Chick-Fil-A because I didn't know of any other "nice sit down" restaurants.

I was pregnant by 19. Knew nothin about nothin. Stood in a bathroom staring at a dollar pregnancy test contemplating abortion & adoption for over 2 hours.

After crying every last tear I had in me & sitting on the floor against a toilet until my back hurt, I realized there was more for my life (and my baby's life) than I saw in that moment.

Failed Relationships.

Failed Marriages.

Abuse.

Drugs.

Homelessness.

Zero money 25/31 days of the month. 

Full reliance on WIC and Medicaid to feed my baby & myself.

Zero pregnancy pictures.

Maternity clothes all borrowed and too much pride to ask for help.

This small section of my story isn't even the worst of it, but I'll spare you the ugliest parts for now. 

But I'll say this, there's nothing I personally did or didn't do that brought me to this place. Only by His grace. God is sovereign.

My MawMaw had faith like no other. She prayed the blood of Jesus over me and I will forever be thankful for my precious MawMaw and the godly woman she was.

My hope is that just one person will be reached with my testimony.  My story is very similar to that of so many other people.  Please, y’all, reach out to those around you that are hurting.  There’s a reason they’re abusing alcohol and drugs.  There’s a reason they have tattoos all over their body.  That reason is likely due to the trauma they’ve experienced in life…at least it was for me.  Be ‘that’ person that’s bold enough to be there for others.  

I was born and raised here in the Central Valley.  As a child I called Woodlake and Exeter my hometowns.  I was lucky to grow up out in the country in Woodlake.  Both Bravo Lake and the St. Johns River were my stomping grounds.  My siblings and I use to play for hours out in the trees, weeds, and dirt.  Being as tough as Rambo (First Blood) was our goal!  We had some great times and made memories I’ll never forget.  Woodlake schools were cool.  It seemed that all of us kids came from working class families.  Girls chase boys (kindergarten), soccer, and football (2nd thru 5th grade) were my favorite recess games.  Those were the fun times!  My parents would frequently abuse alcohol and smoke marijuana.  My home life was a wreck.  I don’t remember being told ‘I love you’ as a child.  I only remember chaos, frankly.  My father was physically abusive towards my siblings and I.  My father abused my mother as well.  I have terrible memories from my mother as well.  It’s profound the impact of getting hit with a wooden spoon can have on a 8 year old child.  In fifth grade we moved to Exeter.  

Exeter schools were quite different.  I was one of the crew in Woodlake.  Exeter kids were very clique-ish.  I struggled to find a friend group.  I was frequently bullied and picked on.  You see, I was an overweight kid with a weird haircut.  I didn’t have the cool clothes and shoes that many of the kids did.  I immediately became a social outcast.  It hurt me then, and it still hurts me now… The ugliness that comes from others really does hurt children.  Taunting and bullying had a HUGE negative impact on me.  As the years progressed I too began bullying those that were different than me.  

As I approached high school my parents divorced.  I remember my mother waking my brother and I up very early one morning to tell us that while we were asleep my father had moved out of the house and into an apartment he was now sharing with another woman, a secretary he worked with at work.  This literally tore my family apart.  My sisters moved with my mother while my brother and I moved with my father.  At least my father would no longer be beating on my mother though.  High school was high school.  I was picked on by upperclassmen.  I bullied and was bullied.  The same ole same ole….

I graduated in 1997 and started attending COS.  I moved out of my father’s house and into my mother’s over in Visalia.  Very near the end of my first COS semester I met a cute gal named Julie and we started dating.  In the middle of 1998 Julie insisted I attend church with her, and I quickly agreed.  It was either I attend church or we don’t date anymore.  I was now a church going fella.  I gave my heart to Gof on October 15, 1999.  After 3 years at COS I graduated with two AA degrees.  On September 2, 2000, that same year, that cute gal I mentioned became my wife.  
The next month, October 7th, 2000, I attended the California Department of Corrections academy and was trained to be a Correctional Officer.  I graduated in December and reported to my first institution.  The craziness of prison work doesn’t really need to be described in detail.  This small town boy from Exeter was not prepared for the violence and fear that the prisons held.  I worked in prisons for about 6.5 years and then resigned in March of 2007.  Upon my resignation I was so depressed, anxious, and suicidal that I couldn’t function any longer. 

In September of 2007 I began abusing alcohol and tobacco and eventually decided to abuse marijuana as well.  My life was consumed with darkness.  I drank huge amounts of alcohol.  I had non-stop suicidal thoughts.  Kill yourself, Kill yourself, Kill yourself, Kill yourself… that is what the devil was constantly putting into my thoughts.  I wanted so badly to be dead.  I was hugely anti-social.  I couldn’t leave the house.  I was only able to attend church or family functions very infrequently.  I was house-bound for months at a time.  
I was, quite literally, a prisoner within my own thoughts.

This lifestyle of drunkenness and isolation continued from late 2007 until early 2022.  I attended a mens event through the church I attend in February of 2022.  At that event I was able to meet with God like I had never met Him before.   I argued with Him.  I cussed Him.  I yelled at Him.  You know what?  He was able to take it!  After a couple days, on the side of a hill up in Miramonte, God healed me!  In a moments time, while I was begging for healing and forgiveness, God chose to set me free from all of my stuff!  I had finally allowed Him into my life.
My life’s journey since that afternoon on 02-12-22 has not been easy nor has it been without some speed bumps.  What it has been, though, is free from suicidal thoughts.  No depression.  No anxiety.  No alcohol.  No cigarettes.  No weed.  None of any of that stuff that held me down for nearly 20 straight years.   I WAS HEALED AND SET FREE!  Hallelujah!!  God chose to heal me that day and I’ll forever be grateful.  I now experience happiness and joy, feelings that I’d never felt before.  I look forward to each morning as a time I can conquer life!  
My prayer every morning is that I can minister to one more person.  I’m not a trained Bible guy and I’m not able to quote scripture but I can testify to you today that God healed me.  He took the handcuffs I had attached to my soul and he tossed them aside.  God did it for me, and He can do it for you.  

Fight for your sobriety.  Rebuke the devil.  Listen to praise and worship music.  Read your Bible.  Hang out with Christian friends.  I’m telling you right now…. YOU CAN BE SET FREE!

I was always an anxious kid, I starting developing ulcers in 5th grade. Then depression started creeping in during Jr. High. 

Most of my childhood I was bullied at school and at church. My Mom was our Pastor and the families that didn't like my mom would take it upon themselves to make my and my family's lives hell. 

I started slipping into a deep depression around 7th grade. I had no self esteem, I was ridiculously critical of myself and that was compounded by my need, and the pressure, to be a perfect pastors kid. The pressure was crushing. Not only crushing for me but also my younger sister.

I remember having my first thoughts of suicide in 7th grade. I would think through different scenarios on how I could kill myself. Thinking about which way would be the quickest or least painful. There even came a moment when I was holding pills in my hand ready to just escape it all, escape all the pressure. That was the moment I asked for help.

I started therapy and I began to gain tools that literally helped save my life. Unfortunately as I was healing, my younger sister was suffering in silence. She was slipping deeper and deeper into depression and unfortunately, for whatever reason,, my parents didn't take it seriously.

She attempted suicide in high school. THANKFULLY she was not successful. Her twin called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital and lived. 

After learning more about mental health, I realized mental health issues run in families. My Grandma, Dad, and Sisters all struggle with mental health issues. With this knowledge I was able to stay alert for signs in my own children and get them the help they have needed over the years, so they don't have to suffer in silence. 

Having the knowledge to help others who are struggling and creating programs that assist with that help is absolutely crucial.